Tuesday, August 20, 2013

And I think to myself.....what a wonderful world

Has it really been two years since I last posted? Not sure why I haven't posted. Too many emotions I guess. A lot has happened since my last post. In October of 2011, my Papa Bristo went to be with Jesus. I have never delt with such pain and hurt and loss. I didn't think I could do it, but with some grief therapy, I pulled through. I think of him every...single...day! I'm constantly wondering if he sees me. If he hears me. If he's proud of me. I absolutely adored him and adored being his "sugar".
In September of 2012, we sent our chocolate lab, Luke, to be with papa in Heaven. Luke's vet found a tumor on his stomach in January and by now it was the size of a basketball. I did everything I could to save him but I finally had to make the decision to say goodbye. It was absoutley the hardest descision I have ever had to make. I carry so much grief, you cant imagine. I feel like I did have faith in him, in miracles, in God. There are some days still where the pain is just too great. I know some think that he was "just a dog", but he was far from that. He was a protector, a prayer partner, a babysitter, a walking buddy...my best friend. I know that one day I will be ok with my decision to let him go. Most importantly I know that one day I will see him at the Rainbow Bridge.
In July of 2013, I went to see my ENT for an ear ache that just would not go away. After an MRI, we found out that I have Acoustic Neuroma (www.anausa.org). This is a tiny tumor (not cancerous) that is sitting on my hearing nerve. I am under the care of an amazing neurologist, Dr. Mickey and an amazing ENT, Dr. Roland at UTSW in Dallas. At this time, the tumor is too small to remove. When Dr. Mickey removes my tumor, he will leave a little sliver on the never so that he is not scrapping the nerve. That would only do more damage to my face, hearing and movement. We are needing it to grow (that sounds so weird to say). I will have MRIs to watch the growth of the tumor. The tumor has caused some hearing loss in my right ear. It makes me nauseated, tired, my balance is off, there is a constant ringing in my ear and sometimes I am forgetful. A friend asked me today, "what I pray for" in regards to the tumor. I pray that the tumor disappears. I pray that I am healed. I pray my pain is minimum. But most importantly, I pray that through this experience, people see Jesus in me. I try no to complain. It is what it is. I am trying to deal with it with grace and bravery. When I first found out about the tumor, I cried...ALOT! I was soooooo scared! What would happen to my babies, my husband, my dad...my MOM!!!!! Who would take care of my mom and her MS? I went into panic mode. I couldn't find the strength I knew was there and I knew that I had. But I have AMAZING friends and an AMAZING God who help me find it. Not sure when I will have surgery. Hopefully next summer since the recovery will be about 3 months. Until then, I pray...faithfully and every chance I get. I love life. I hug my babies. I hold my husbands hand. I want to spend more time with my friends and family. God is putting me on an amazing adventure with the tumor and I'm ready for it! So many have asked me how I am. I have no clue what say...Scared! Terrified! Grateful! Blessed! Many times I wanna cry but I usually end up saying "I'm fine"! This is a whole new experience for me and my family but we are learning! God is sooooo good! I end with three songs. The first one is my Papa Bristo's absolute favorite. It brings joy to my heart and tears to my eyes.... The second song is one that I find myself constantly singing and humming. I am grateful that God puts a song in my heart to remind me that He is God...that's just the way it is.... And finally the third song is a song that I find my strength in. It is probably my "theme song". I listen to it everyday.... I hope to be better about journaling during this adventure. Its a way for my friends and family to see how I am doing, my progress and to see how good my God is! But its mainly for Jaydon and Kye. I want my babies to be able to look back and see how strong their mommy is!

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